Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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