dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
