Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
