My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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