We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
