Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize