and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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