you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
