The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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