i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
