So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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