my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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