My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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