I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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