Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I think I sprained my soul last night
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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