my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
