Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize