your parents love me but you hate me
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
you had me at cake vodka
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize