Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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