Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
