I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
They took my balls.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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