I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Randomize
