whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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