Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
