My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
