If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
