Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
