Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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