He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Ladies don't puke and tell
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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