Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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