and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
