Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
