I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
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