so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
