You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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