Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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