When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
