i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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