And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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