I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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