so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
