So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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