I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Randomize
