Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
