I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
