Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
