I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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