My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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