you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
