my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize