if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
