If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
