i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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