Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
