i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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