Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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